Showing posts with label sorry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sorry. Show all posts
Jun 18, 2008
Dealing with your ex
If I were the paranoid type of person (please notice the sarcasm!), I could’ve said that I have been asking for it, with all my “somebody’s watching me” nonsense. But I was partially correct – even though it seems that nobody was watching my blog (from the people that should not do it, of course!), my worst fear was just around the corner. The beast that ate my life and threw it in the garbage dump. The reason for My Girl Quest, in the first place. My ex. M.
Today she said she just had to meet me, that it was a must, that there was no other way to do it. She said it was a very urgent thing and she really, really needed my help – she was in trouble. And, even though I feel like puking whenever I think of her; even though it hurts me to tears to remember any of the moments I had spent with her; even though I promised to myself that M. is dead and she will never ever get a chance to sneak into my life… I was a bit worried. She needed help, as she said and it seemed like I was the only person able to help her.
I am so stupid sometimes!
We agreed to meet at 5. This meant that I had to ask my boss to let me leave earlier today (and I will probably have to compensate for this somehow tomorrow). Anyway… I left earlier and went straight home. Back then, I didn’t find it funny she wanted to meet at my place, not in a pub or something...
So she came to the door, more beautiful than ever, smelling like a new life, looking like paradise, breathing heaven. And I was probably looking like the most stupid thing on earth there, in front of the door, drooling and starting to remember the good.
That’s always the problem in such cases – when you meet a person you truly loved after so much time (yes, I do consider 6 months SO much time), you tend to forget the unbearable pain she has provoked. You tend to act stupid. You are defenseless and she usually knows it. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have come looking like she did, smelling like she did, and having so big “problems”.
I am so stupid sometimes!
Without even saying “Hello”, she jumped into my arms and kissed me. I don’t have words for the feeling I had when I felt her lips, when I touched her skin, when I started to remember HER. She told me that she did think about the whole thing and that she realized she had mistaken to dump me for another dude. She told me that she truly loved me and she realized that while being alone for the past two weeks, after that guy dumped her.
Let me repeat that: She said that she realized how much she loved me AFTER the guy she dumped me for, dumped her. After she became single. All alone. And she needed a milking cow. You get it?
And I am not that stupid!
The first thing I felt like doing was to hit her. To hit her hard and tell her to f*** off. But I have never hit a woman and she definitely did not worth being a first for me. Then I thought I should just play the game a little and take her to my bed, take advantage of her then write her name in My Girl Quest’s list then shew her. But I did not do it. Instead, I told her that I no longer feel anything for her. I showed her the pictures I took with C. and that M. (the one from the party, obviously). I showed her I can have a life without her. That I can still have sex after she’s gone. That I am a man.
She insisted. I denied. She tried to kiss me again, I had the strength to refuse. I invited her to leave. I invited her to go and never turn back. I wished her good luck and asked her to wish me the same, since I had bigger plans for my life. She said nothing.
Was I stupid? Was I stupid I said no to her? Oh, God, please tell me I did the right thing!
____________________
Top image credits: www.wigen.net
Jun 7, 2008
Tough
If there are people who might want to do this stupid bet with life thing (like I did it), I have one word for you: don’t! Don’t do it if you are a human being. Don’t do it if you have a heart, if you have feelings, if you know what love is, if you have ever felt love, if you feel that other human beings shouldn’t be treated like animals, if you are not a demon!
This morning, C. woke me up with a phone call. She said she was already missing me and she was wondering why didn’t I call her last night. I was still a bit dizzy and didn’t know what to answer. She asked again: “Is there something wrong?” And I turned into the Animal.
Pathetic people like me should thank God for the phone, for allowing them to be the person they're not. To be strong. To have this illusion.
I told her that nothing was wrong, that everything works as it should: she made me feel good and now it’s time to move on. Now, when I think back to what I said I feel so embarrassed, I feel like a beast. Like a man with no soul. No feelings. No heart. I feel like sh*t, to be honest, and I am sure that’s how I should feel like.
And she said nothing else. "Click!", and she was no longer on the phone. Probably gone forever from my life...
I thought this was going to be fun. I mean… you know. It is supposed to be fun to screw girls, live like a rockstar with tons of groupies, dates with a new girls every night, no more falling in love anymore, no more suffering and pain and such…
Well… it is not! It’s not easy at all. But I have to do it. I have to keep doing this, even though it hurts at the moment. I’ve been C. before. I think I know how she feel right now. But what I have never been is… me. I should be glad, not upset. A girl went down on me, did her job and now I have to search for another. It’s easy like that. And it doesn’t matter how I feel… hopefully… eventually… I will start feeling the pleasure soon. Else I might just go mad.
Sorry, C! I really mean it!
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