My Girl Quest

Showing posts with label pickup. Show all posts

Aug 6, 2008

Worst. Pick up. Line. EVER

I sometimes manage to surprise myself with my utter stupidity and complete lack of flirting skills. Actually, sometimes I am so bad at flirting that I just wonder how come I’m not a virgin anymore. Honestly, I suck – and here is my latest example of absolute rubbish flirting.

I was out with one of my friends to grab a bite to eat and we were silently sitting at a table, having nothing to do. A chick – that type of girl who thinks about herself that she’s the top of the world – who was sipping from a diet Coke at a nearby table started to giggle at the stuff me and my fried were saying – we were indeed telling some funny stuff and we started to do our best when we noticed she was paying attention.

So we kept talking for a few more minutes, she kept giggling and we were getting ready to introduce ourselves to her, when she makes the second step, too. She says to me something like: “I see you’re into sports. Do you know when the Olympic Games start?” (just to make things clear: we were indeed talking about sports).

I know, not the most clever thing to say, but she’s a girl and she took the initiative – something girls rarely do. But my utter stupidity, lack of concentration and experience, as well as COMPLETELY wrong idea about what flirting means, resulted in this answer: “I have no idea, but I’d start some Olympics with you right now”.

She didn’t slap me, but my friend almost punched me. Instantly I realized how rude that was – what a horrendous, pitty pick-up line or follow-up line or whatever flirting related thing… I was nothing but an a$$hole.

Honestly now, for everybody reading – I’m not like that. It just happened to me now. I was feeling cool and though I should act cool. However, I just proved a complete lack of style and that costed me dearly – otherwise I would’ve been bust doing it right now...

Aug 5, 2008

That’s PMS, aaaaight?

As you all probably know, I said the big words to I. (no, not “I love you”, but “Bye-bye”). Her reaction was pretty nice and unexpectedly calm, she took it to the chin and even said something like “we’ll have random sex every now and then,” which was pretty cool, you know? So I was ready to become a Don Juan again, re-start my flirting quest and enroll the Flirters Top Spots (and if something like that doesn’t exist, I was ready to create it).

Anyway… the point is that I was happy with what my life was turning into: for the first time in many, many years I had been caught in a love-triangle: P, I and me, two girls and a guy, excitement, more Don Juan-ism and hormones skating freely in my testosterone-filled body. Stuff like that. I was proud.

But things had to turn to the darker side.

Because, as I was anticipating back when my “relationship” with I. was nothing but a big question mark, things at work are pretty ugly now. Remember the episode when she sent me a message to look at her and she opened her legs in a Sharon-Stone-Basic-Instinct type of thing? Well… things are about the same, with a few small differences: she doesn’t send me messages anymore and, whenever it happens that my eyes turn her way, she doesn’t open her legs anymore, but her middle finger rises like a statue up in the air.

Thankfully, she barely talks to me now, which is good. However, I can only believe that all my colleagues at work know (or, at most, will know soon) that I have a tiny little wiener, that I suck in bed, my mouth smells like crap and I was a virgin when I first dated her. OR that I’m gay and like IT big. I dunno… I’m sure it will be something bad, anyway. The good thing is that I don’t have plans to date anybody from work anymore, so it won’t be a loss. However, it still sucks.

Or, just as I said in the title, it could be nothing but I.’s PMS. That would really explain her strange behavior. Case closed!

Jul 20, 2008

I see girls, they don’t see me

OK, I am exaggerating a bit here – girls do see me and some of them even allow me (what an honor!) to flirt with them for five minutes before they get bored. The thing is that they don’t really want to see me and I’m not at all lucky to find that right girl searching for a one night stand – ever since O. came into my life for a second, all my girl quest kind of went crazy. I have to talk to her or something, to make the curse go away :D.

Back to the last night – I tried. I tried hard and I got nothing (well, I got a phone number from a girl who was looking just a bit better than my grand grandmother – she was the last girl I tried to get, it was late, I was desperate, but as soon as she started to react positively to my flirting I understood what I had done and stopped. Got her number, though and I’ll never use it). Probably because I have set my standards too high again.

Honestly, now – everybody can sort girls into two categories: the ONS-ready and the hard to get ones. And usually, one would not put one type of girl into a different category. And I can’t help but ask myself – why are the hard to get ones so... hard to get? You see them wearing their siliconed boobies into the most expensive top, you see their little pierced nose going higher and higher, you see their eyes searching for a millionaire, while sipping from an expensive cocktail they don’t even have money to buy... The type of girls who invest into their own beauty just to attract other investors. The bank-girls. Black holes. Or whatever. These are hard to get not because they are special, not because they are obscenely beautiful, not because they are too smart (because they’re not!) – but because they have a plan and they’re following it no matter what, day after day, night after night, until they succeed and another one takes her place. And so on.

These girls are unapproachable – unless they can sniff your very expensive perfume, take a look at your golden watch and see a big bulge in your pants (your wallet filled with cash, that is) they won’t even talk to you. They will ignore you, because they think they are better. Well… this type of girls who believe they are better just because they got the looks and prefer to suck it for money and not because they really care about a person… these girls drive me mad. That’s why I try to get them and teach them a lesson: they are nothing. Unfortunately, I try to much and I manage to do nothing. Lol.

This does not mean, however, that I lost everything. No, I am at least one of the fewest “unworthy” guys who try to get them. I will be one of the even fewer guys who will actually get them and teach them the lesson they deserve to be taught. But, until then, I have to accept the fact that they don’t see me. That, for them, I am still worthless and pathetic and, no matter how smart my lines are, how funny I am or just how damn hot I am, I’m not what they’re searching for. I’m the invisible man, but they’ll see :)

Jun 1, 2008

Pickup Lines

Really, I'm not yet desperate. But a bit of help is always great. So I have decided to check a few websites and get some inspiration for a few great pickup lines. Hey! I’m a man in need! Not to mention I haven’t done this for a looong time. So, please, stop laughing!

Because the real reasons to laugh are the lines themselves. If there is something they say, that is: “You’re hopeless if you are here now.” Here are a few random examples of pickup stupidity I found on that website:

My love for you is like the universe...neverending! (Come on, that’s lame! How could you madly love a person you don’t know???)

Baby, you are everything I never knew I always wanted. (It’s obviously not something to say after a few drinks. And, even if you manage to say it right and flawlessly – what girl would buy such a crap?)

Girl, your body is a wonderland, and I want to be Alice so that I can run around all over you. (Result: Slap! Kick! “Policeeee!”)

I'm like a computer game, you can play with me all day long! (Girls DON’T play, honestly. Even more, they generally run away if they hear “computer geek”)

I think you got a little food on your lip.. here let me lick it off for you. (Yuck! Really. YUCK!)

“When I saw your face I thought I died and went to heaven” (Come on, now, that’s not a pickup line, that’s Brian Adams singing!)

Hey baby you plus me equals we. (Oh, my god! I’m either way too old, or this list was made by dudes under 12. There’s no hope left in the world.)

Honestly, now. If you ever want to know how NOT to pick up a girl, just visit a pickup lines website. I know I am hopeless at the moment and my word doesn’t mean jack, but just read these lines (and, trust me, 99% of them are like that or even worse). Still, I might just have something. The one in a billion chance:

“Hey, how’s it going? Do you see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute“

Finally something I liked. I will use it tonight. And, after that I promise to myself that I will be original. Pickup lines really suck. Hope she’ll say yes. Whoever she is.

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Image credits: jilliansjournal