My Girl Quest

Jun 7, 2008

Tough

If there are people who might want to do this stupid bet with life thing (like I did it), I have one word for you: don’t! Don’t do it if you are a human being. Don’t do it if you have a heart, if you have feelings, if you know what love is, if you have ever felt love, if you feel that other human beings shouldn’t be treated like animals, if you are not a demon!

This morning, C. woke me up with a phone call. She said she was already missing me and she was wondering why didn’t I call her last night. I was still a bit dizzy and didn’t know what to answer. She asked again: “Is there something wrong?” And I turned into the Animal.

Pathetic people like me should thank God for the phone, for allowing them to be the person they're not. To be strong. To have this illusion.

I told her that nothing was wrong, that everything works as it should: she made me feel good and now it’s time to move on. Now, when I think back to what I said I feel so embarrassed, I feel like a beast. Like a man with no soul. No feelings. No heart. I feel like sh*t, to be honest, and I am sure that’s how I should feel like.

And she said nothing else. "Click!", and she was no longer on the phone. Probably gone forever from my life...

I thought this was going to be fun. I mean… you know. It is supposed to be fun to screw girls, live like a rockstar with tons of groupies, dates with a new girls every night, no more falling in love anymore, no more suffering and pain and such…

Well… it is not! It’s not easy at all. But I have to do it. I have to keep doing this, even though it hurts at the moment. I’ve been C. before. I think I know how she feel right now. But what I have never been is… me. I should be glad, not upset. A girl went down on me, did her job and now I have to search for another. It’s easy like that. And it doesn’t matter how I feel… hopefully… eventually… I will start feeling the pleasure soon. Else I might just go mad.

Sorry, C! I really mean it!